Saturday, January 16, 2010

Who Am I?

Cool mom thing or not so cool mom thing?
Most of the time, I have no idea what day of the week it is.

I have to admit that this year, I couldn't wait for the Holidays to be over. I LOVE Christmas, it's my favorite time of year always.  This year I had all my family together at my house and it was just perfect. In the back of my head though, I just kept telling myself to make it through to January 1st, because then 'things would go back to normal'.

I'm not sure what in my head had me thinking that I would have my old life back once people took down their Christmas trees, but I was convinced.

I think that what I'm feeling is pretty normal for a first time mom, but some days I really find myself wondering who the heck I am and what happened to the old me.  Not always in a bad way, but sometimes for sure.

I'm a good mom - This actually surprised me.  I had never changed a diaper before I had Pavel. In fact, I had to have the nurse in the hospital come in at five in the morning and show me how to change my first one.  It's amazing how you just instinctively know what to do. My friends who don't have babies yet have said 'How do you know what you're doing!?!?' I don't know! I mean, I read a lot now, but somehow you just do it.

Sometimes I'm not a good mom - The silliest things. I leave his dirty diaper too long, he's screaming to be fed and I can't figure out why he won't be quiet (when it's so obvious once he gets on that boob), I bonked his head with my iPhone... I feel so guilty. I just feel so guilty.

I'm not very smart - Pregnancy brain. It's real and it does exist. I don't want to tell you how many times I got lost driving home from work this summer. (The Oilers office to my condo was about 20 blocks, straight down one road)  Or how I needed to write myself a list of tasks that had to be completed every night at work to remember them.  They were the same every night, but I needed that list. 
I thought I read somewhere that when the baby pops out, your brain pops back in.  My friend and I who just had a baby as well decided to hit up strollercize for the first time this week. An early class which made it even more stressful to pack up the cars, feed the babies, and get ourselves ready and go.  We arrived at the gym after the two hour preparation ordeal and she goes 'Crap, where are my runners?' I look at her and shake my head - 'I forgot mine too'.

I'm insecure - I've been insecure in my life, plenty of times. I've taken risks and stepped out of my 'box' time and time again. It never gets easier.  This is the greatest blind adventure of my life. The problem is, while I'm finding my feet as a mom, it's making me insecure in the rest of my life.  I'm sensitive to my friends and family, to their comments and their behavior.  I cry easy. (Okay, I did before too) I'm becoming a loner.  I don't have anything to talk about.  I actually have to save up conversation topics to share with my husband because I want to be able to contribute more than just baby talk.  This one is throwing me for a loop, I want my confidence back.

I love changing diapers! - I want to know what's in those suckers. I beg Sheldon to change the early am diaper so I can have three minutes of uninterrupted sleep alone, but I end up laying in bed asking him questions about the poop!! I think only other moms will understand this behavior.

I'm easily pleased - Take back those diamonds, trips or an entire day laying in bed with a good book. I'll take a long hot shower, a trip alone to Walmart so I can sit in the parking lot, text message and listen to loud music, or the whole bed to myself for three minutes. Oh and I can't forget a sunny, warm day so Pavel and I can go for a walk around the block.

I'm in love with two men- I am so in love. So, so, so in love. I could stare at Pavel all day long. I love breastfeeding. I love taking him shopping and getting his advice on shoes. I love when he talks to me on his change table and laughs at his daddy.  I love his hair, I love his lips. I love when he snuggles the nape of my neck.

So I guess this is my warning to you if you are about to become a parent... Know that you'll be a good mom some days and a not so good mom others.  People will call you 'pretty' when your brain isn't all there. You may be plagued with an insecurity that will turn your world upside down.  Your fascination with poop will gross out your single friends.  Christmas and birthday gifts will include time in a Walmart parking lot. And most importantly, who needs the old you when this overwhelming love myth that you've heard about for so long is true.


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