Friday, July 16, 2010

We're Fighting.

Cool mom thing.. or not so cool mom thing?
Pavel is only 8 months old, and I already feel unappreciated.

I need to talk this out. I like to talk.. my husband, he's amazing and I love him to bits, but he doesn't always want to listen to me (Hey, remind me to tell you the story about the bald house across the street, and then you may not have much sympathy for me being ignored.. I really like to talk, about anything.)

Back when I was pregnant, I made it clear to Sheldon that just because I was staying at home with the baby everyday, that it didn't make me the full time maid, chef, grocery shopper.... Raising a baby is a full time job, stressful in different ways than a full time 'day job', and I expected that he would pitch in around the house too.

I'm pretty sure he didn't say anything, maybe he just looked at me and nodded? (Now I'm trying to remember if he nodded yes or no, I was probably on to the next 'important' thing I wanted to say)

As time has quickly passed, and life with Pavel has become more natural, I have actually started to think that my life at home should include making my husband's life as easy as possible, so that he doesn't get burnt out at work. But let's just step back for a minute before we get into my last statement.

Everyone always comments how happy Pavel is. How mellow he is, how he plays by himself and is content, he's gentle and loves to laugh and smile once he feels comfortable with his surroundings. He is a chatter box, just like his mom.

Okay. This didn't just happen people.

This momma worked really hard to get us there! Scroll back a few months ago on my blog, and you will remember the crying, screaming baby I had for the first few months. I remember my girls came to pick me up for an escape night at the movies.. they came in to get me and wanted to give Pavs a little snuggle, he was screaming so bad, they were like 'um oh, okay, let's just go..' No snuggles for him.

Getting Pavel to learn to fall asleep on his own, to nap for longer than 45 minutes on the dot, to sleep 12 hours straight, to eat everything and anything we give him.. this was like putting a giant puzzle together. It was work. ( I can hear all you mama's nodding, 'yup I've been there!')

Fast forward to now. I will absolutely admit that I am not excelling in the 'clean house daily' area of my new job description. It's an internal struggle. I hate that it's expected of me. It's expected that I will clean up after my family, every single day. I clean today, tomorrow, I will do it again.
There isn't a thank you or a real notice, because somehow it became my 'job'. What really peevs me, is that now I'm picking up socks, putting dishes in the dishwasher from the table that were not mine, I'm cleaning up after dad's turn to bath the baby.... WHAT?  Now I'm a maid.

My husband made a great point last night:

'How nice for you that you get to have your dream job, but that you don't want to accept the bad parts of the job with the good..'

Point taken. But wait, is this really my job? Is this how it works in your house? I'd like to know. I don't have much of an argument back right now because I've kind of accepted that I should be doing all of this, but should I?

When I try to mention that it's difficult for me because just a year ago, I had a career that paid me money, I was contributing to the family in a way that apparently is more important than how I am now (not my opinion, but what I'm feeling from the opposition). I try to tell him that I feel like sometimes he talks down to me, that he never asks me about my day because.. well, what could I possibly be doing that's important?

In his eyes, I have the best job in the world. He would trade for it in a second (but don't get me wrong, the man is so passionate about his job he says he was 'born to do it', have I mentioned he gets to travel the globe??). I know that he and his friends probably sit around talking about how great our lives are, how easy it would be to be us.
*sidebar, Sheldon is a total hands on daddy. Pavel is very lucky to have him!

What he doesn't sympathize with is that I gave up who I was to do this. I gave up my body, I gave up my career, I gave up my network, I gave up daily adult interaction. Yes, it was my choice and I would do it again in a second, but please.. please just recognize that this isn't as easy as you think it is?

Anyway, we will sort it out. I wouldn't normally feel comfortable sharing an argument like this between us, but I'm sure this has got to be a common thing... So please, share with me how it works in your house. Or how you think it will work in your house when it comes your time to make this transition in life. I love hearing all your thoughts.. (thanks for all the tips on the last blog about going back to work! Oh wait.. will I still be responsible for all of this when I go back to work too? Let's not even go there.. )


Ps. Pavel would like to give a shout out to his two new besties that were born this week! Little Carlitos and baby Madeline! We are going to have so much fun! xo

                                               The bald house.. can you see it?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Family Photos!

We had some family shots done last month right as Pavel was turning seven months. To say I love them is a huge understatement! Rhiannon, our photographer, is an old work friend, total smart ass, good partner in crime, makes beautiful babies herself.. and is now a fabulous photographer! I'm so proud of her that she is following her dream!

Check out some of the shots.. and then check out her site!

(Ps. Her services are totally affordable.. something you could do every couple of months without breaking the bank.. I'm guessing they won't be for long with this talent! )

Sunday, July 4, 2010

So You Had a Baby.... Now What?

Cool mom thing... or not so cool mom thing.. Last night I had a dream that I was Oprah's new co-host. It was my first day on the job and we were less than five seconds to air, I look down and low and behold, my breast feeding boobs decided to leave a first day on the job surprise for me...  big nipple sized milk stains on my light blue silk shirt.. 
'And we're live.. go Oprah, go Jenny...'

I feel like I should apologize, but really, I'm still kind of giving this blog the cold shoulder. I used to love writing here, I used to think this blog was the perfect outlet for everything in my head, I used to look so forward to sharing all my stories with everyone.

Like a good friendship, things change. Sometimes for the good, sometimes not so good... but change is inevitable. Unfortunately.

Life has been SO good to me! These last few months have been the best of my life, I think ever. I love, love, love being a wife and a mom. Things just keep getting better and better.

So what, you ask? You've written all this before, you say? It's true, and I've also written this:

Why the hell does time have to go by so fast? This is the first time in my life I have tried to slow each day down. Normally, I'm always looking forward to the next exciting thing, but not now. Now I can't imagine anything better, I don't want anything else... most of the time.

Change is coming, it's in the air.

I tried to explain this to one of my good male friends, I don't blame him for thinking I'm a little, 'female' (aka, hormonal, incoherent at times, unreasonable, and totally funny, smart, and perfect). For some reason, by writing on this blog, I feel like I'm accepting the reality that Pavel is almost eight months old, that it has been nearly a year since I had my little angel, that my time nursing him is nearly coming to an end, that all the little steps he loves to take will soon turn into walking without holding mommy's hands, that I finally caved and cut his beautiful hair, and of course maybe, just maybe, I should possibly start thinking about if/where/when/what I plan on doing for a JOB.



I'm not sure. I'm am entirely confused.

Let me just dissect my dream for us all here (another fantastic thing us women do, think about everything so hard, and break down each millisecond into something that has a much bigger meaning. And then preach our findings to the world..)
Growing up, I loved to tell people that I wanted to be the next Oprah, that's what I would be when I grew up. I've had the opportunity to work in television over the years and work toward that dream.
But I have also wanted to be a mom. When I got pregnant, I seriously couldn't see past being pregnant, and especially not past what is supposed to happen after you get your life back on track post baby.

Some thoughts that have entered my brain in a confusingly particular order:
So....    ...... .... Work? Really?
I do not miss a blackberry
I do miss a morning commute! I want to drink coffee and listen to the radio in silence!
Wait.. I didn't mean that, sorry Pavel, pretend mommy never thought that
Really, once you pay for childcare, parking, gas, work clothes, are the extra bucks worth time away from your babe?
Wait, maybe if I sacrifice a little time away from Pavs now, then I can spend many years ahead at home with him?
What if the babysitter gives him away?
I am smart. I think I remember being smart. Who could I call that can verify this for me...

I won't bore you with the rest of the on-going battle in my head, but what I hope you can gather is that I'm a little confused.

Then I have this dream, and this dream basically confirms what I already knew. I have an extremely normal case of mommy guilt! (combined with a few other issues that I googled and self diagnosed)

'Ya sure mom, go out and fulfill your dream, enjoy every single second! Except for the seconds when I enter your mind, and you remember that you chose yourself over ME! That you are off growing as a person, gaining self confidence and impacting the world without ME! I might as well just ask the babysitter to give me away now... '

You see, there wouldn't be a problem if I just never started writing in this blog in the first place, and then we would still be back in November enjoying every second like it was a decade, and mommy would never have to make this decision.

The thing is, I feel really good about myself when my brain is back in 'work-mode' for an hour here and there. I love having something to talk to Sheldon about, besides what's in Pav's diaper today.... I really think I may be ready to be Pavel's mother... and more. I think I can do both.

No wait, I take that back.


(For real.. any advice would be greatly appreciated!)