Cool mom thing... or not so cool mom thing.. Last night I had a dream that I was Oprah's new co-host. It was my first day on the job and we were less than five seconds to air, I look down and low and behold, my breast feeding boobs decided to leave a first day on the job surprise for me... big nipple sized milk stains on my light blue silk shirt..
'And we're live.. go Oprah, go Jenny...'
I feel like I should apologize, but really, I'm still kind of giving this blog the cold shoulder. I used to love writing here, I used to think this blog was the perfect outlet for everything in my head, I used to look so forward to sharing all my stories with everyone.
Like a good friendship, things change. Sometimes for the good, sometimes not so good... but change is inevitable. Unfortunately.
Life has been SO good to me! These last few months have been the best of my life, I think ever. I love, love, love being a wife and a mom. Things just keep getting better and better.
So what, you ask? You've written all this before, you say? It's true, and I've also written this:
Why the hell does time have to go by so fast? This is the first time in my life I have tried to slow each day down. Normally, I'm always looking forward to the next exciting thing, but not now. Now I can't imagine anything better, I don't want anything else... most of the time.
Change is coming, it's in the air.
I tried to explain this to one of my good male friends, I don't blame him for thinking I'm a little, 'female' (aka, hormonal, incoherent at times, unreasonable, and totally funny, smart, and perfect). For some reason, by writing on this blog, I feel like I'm accepting the reality that Pavel is almost eight months old, that it has been nearly a year since I had my little angel, that my time nursing him is nearly coming to an end, that all the little steps he loves to take will soon turn into walking without holding mommy's hands, that I finally caved and cut his beautiful hair, and of course maybe, just maybe, I should possibly start thinking about if/where/when/what I plan on doing for a JOB.
I'm not sure. I'm am entirely confused.
Let me just dissect my dream for us all here (another fantastic thing us women do, think about everything so hard, and break down each millisecond into something that has a much bigger meaning. And then preach our findings to the world..)
Growing up, I loved to tell people that I wanted to be the next Oprah, that's what I would be when I grew up. I've had the opportunity to work in television over the years and work toward that dream.
But I have also wanted to be a mom. When I got pregnant, I seriously couldn't see past being pregnant, and especially not past what is supposed to happen after you get your life back on track post baby.
Some thoughts that have entered my brain in a confusingly particular order:
So.... ...... .... Work? Really?
I do not miss a blackberry
I do miss a morning commute! I want to drink coffee and listen to the radio in silence!
Wait.. I didn't mean that, sorry Pavel, pretend mommy never thought that
Really, once you pay for childcare, parking, gas, work clothes, are the extra bucks worth time away from your babe?
Wait, maybe if I sacrifice a little time away from Pavs now, then I can spend many years ahead at home with him?
What if the babysitter gives him away?
I am smart. I think I remember being smart. Who could I call that can verify this for me...
I won't bore you with the rest of the on-going battle in my head, but what I hope you can gather is that I'm a little confused.
Then I have this dream, and this dream basically confirms what I already knew. I have an extremely normal case of mommy guilt! (combined with a few other issues that I googled and self diagnosed)
'Ya sure mom, go out and fulfill your dream, enjoy every single second! Except for the seconds when I enter your mind, and you remember that you chose yourself over ME! That you are off growing as a person, gaining self confidence and impacting the world without ME! I might as well just ask the babysitter to give me away now... '
You see, there wouldn't be a problem if I just never started writing in this blog in the first place, and then we would still be back in November enjoying every second like it was a decade, and mommy would never have to make this decision.
The thing is, I feel really good about myself when my brain is back in 'work-mode' for an hour here and there. I love having something to talk to Sheldon about, besides what's in Pav's diaper today.... I really think I may be ready to be Pavel's mother... and more. I think I can do both.
No wait, I take that back.
(For real.. any advice would be greatly appreciated!)