Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Grass is Greener?

Dear Cool mom.. Note to Self:
It's February. It's cold, dark and miserable out - every single day. Your husband is either working late or out of town which means you get to exhaustively do it all - and then find something terrible on the tv to watch at night to pass the time. The daily grind (although blessed in every way) is starting to feel a little claustrophobic.

Whatever you do - DO NOT plan a trip of any kind to a warmer, brighter, kidless, and nearly responsibility- free place.

What exactly have I done. I can't lie. I feel trapped. This life I love is making me mad.

The funny thing is, I was dreading leaving Pavel for four days. I had never left him for longer than a night - and that was only once. My game plan was to not actually digest the fact that I'd be leaving him and dad and that he'd probably miss me so much he'd cry non-stop and insist on taking a framed photo of me to bed with him (this is what happens when mom leaves for a few days right??)

Pavel Helping Dad with the Dishes
It was also the first opportunity for Sheldon be home along with him for a few days - to really get an idea of all the work it takes for me while he's busy with his career. In my day dreaming I thought for sure Sheldon would be begging me to come home, he'd write me a thank-you card for everything he hadn't noticed over the last year.. haha, don't worry, I'm laughing as I type this.

So I left on a work trip and I missed him, don't get me wrong - but I had a great time. It was a breath of fresh air - a glimpse into a life that I happily said good-bye to two years ago (when I got all pregnant and stuff).

I can't stop thinking about how great it was not to have to pick up toys, do all the laundry, think about what to make everyone for dinner every night. I slept really well every night. I had time to do my hair, and shop. I didn't go to bed at 8pm out of boredom and not being able to leave the house..

and now I'm having the grass is greener syndrome.

Please don't hate me as I type this. Please try not to judge. I'm hoping that some of you can relate. Please say I'm not the worst person in the world for missing the 'good ol days' tonight.

Since going back to work, it's been really interesting to notice the change in the way I'm feeling lately. Going back to work used to be just a way to build up enough hours so I can have another baby and take the time off again. It was a means to an end, help pay the bills.. afford some vacation time and shopping splurges.

It almost feels like I've been thrown back to the first few months of having Pavel. It's all new, we're figuring out routines, there are a lot of different insecurities I'm encountering. It can be really tough some days.

On the other hand (and this has shocked me too), I'm REALLY loving working! I love what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with. I love picking Pavel up at 430 and having a few hours to spend with him in the evening. I love our weekend time together as a family.

A Gift Sent for Pavel from Mom's Trip 

So let me sum this up for all of us:

I went away on an action packed trip to a slightly warmer, sunnier, place with a really fun group of people. I had delicious dinners and lots of drinks with new and old friends. I shopped. I did my hair. I accomplished some things I'm really proud of work-wise.

And now coming home, I'm resenting cleaning, cooking, ponytails, and early nights with my computer/TV.

I don't even think I need to go see my life-coach to figure this one out...

Note to Self: After getting your female self all worked up, over thinking every emotion, wondering if your a horrible mother for enjoying a break and wishing for more.. STOP.

Just plan a family vacation for the following week, so you can realize that you can relax, forget about laundry, and rock a ponytail with the ones you love the most.. and enjoy some of those sloppy toddler kisses at the same time! (We leave tomorrow!)

Jlap

Okay honestly.. by the time I got to the end of this post.. I'm feeling a million times better. And silly. Thanks for reading.