Monday, September 10, 2012


It's 1:23pm. Both boys are napping. Lunch has been had.. It's a gloomy kind of day out.. and I have the shakes. The sugar shakes.

Today is day one of no sugar. I love my treats... I just don't know how to say no. Wish me luck. (I'm writing this post to keep my mind off of treats FYI.. so if it seems like I don't have anything to say, I don't really.)

3 in 1 training
I think raising two kids can be compared to a game of golf. There are bad shots and bad days.. many of them. But then there are wonderful moments and good days.. and they start to get better and better and you think it's your time for the LPGA and then in the change of a club, you suck again. You get frustrated, question your ability, question your sanity and maybe even yell.

I yelled once on the golf course so loud.. it was a total out of body experience after making it on the green in 3 shots (par five) and then 7 putting it. My friends called me out on my erratic behavior, don't worry.

So, I yelled last week at Pavel. In fact, I'm sure I dropped a few F bombs not at him, but in my directional language. I had a bad week. I was stressed. His school started and I was so worried about him peeing his pants at school. He has started the refusal to go to the bathroom stage, even though you can tell by his dancing around he REALLY has to go. Makes it hard to do what we're supposed to be doing when I can't get him to have a single pee.

What's amazing about a little boy who is watching his mom have a crying, fist pounding on the ground moment... is that he took it upon himself to become the parent of what I'm sure appeared to be a 2 year old tantrum.

'Deep breaths mommy, it's okay, deep breaths. You need a hug mommy?'

It snapped me out of it.

Another point of motherhood I simply forgot - Insecurity.

Friday Night Dinner Date
I really feel like I suck at being a mom of two. I'm stressed, I yell, the house is messy.. supper isn't cooked every night. I can't take the crying sometimes - from both of them. My husband is sick and I'm annoyed at HIM because I want help with the kids - not another child to take care of (that's a post for another day, right ladies???)

So then today happened. We woke up, had breakfast and headed out the door. First stop was to bring daddy coffee and breakfast. Then we stopped at CTV to pick up some football tickets from a friend and have a quick visit. Then off to mommy's first attempt at a workout class.

I dropped Pavel off at the daycare for the first time - he was not happy but I bolted out the door. Sasha and I arrived 15 late for the strollercize class. 20 mins later he needed to eat, there was no holding him off (or the glances from the other moms of me leaving the teeny baby to cry while I fit in a few more squats). After he finished eating, I stood up and there in the window was Pavel with the daycare lady. He had huge tears in his eyes and wanted his mommy.
So back I went with them, signed him out of daycare and tried to return to the class for another few minutes before Sasha started to cry again.

Deep breath. So whatever, that sucked but here's what didn't:

Pavel used the potty four times today without putting up a fuss and twice was at the rec centre (Yeah Pavel!!!). We stopped at the park after and I played blocks with Pav as Sasha slept (yes, he went right back to sleep as soon as I left the class!). We came home and had lunch and everyone was nice and happy!! And now I have two sleepers and Pavel is even in his big boy bed.

Did I mention today is a non sugar day? None of us have had sugar, interesting.

Mommy's not stressed. Pavel's not a nightmare, no attitude so far today at all. Sasha.. well, he's never had the sugar, yet.

I'm sure it's not that simple.. but today I'm taking the day in stride. I'm not stressing about the little things because, well they are little things. I'm trying to realize I can't be perfect.. and what's really perfect to my boys is time with a happy mommy. They don't care if the house is clean or if eat tuna sandwiches for dinner again..

It's mornings like today that rejuvenate me. They make me believe I can do it. I can enjoy this, I am getting better at being a mommy. Just like out on that challenging golf course, early in the morning.. you can still smell the dew on the grass - frustration surrounded by beauty, made worth it for those simple glimpses of hard work and practice paying off.

**And I know I've said it before, but if you're struggling to be at home with the baby(ies) like I do.. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Do anything. Wash the car, go for a walk, get groceries. I feel like a new person if I just get out of here. It's my number one life saver. That and chocolate - damn it!

Update on the Boys
Sasha will be two months old on Saturday! Nuts! He is getting so big. Was 11 pounds 3 ounces at 5 and a half weeks. Holy crap! Way to go baby Sash! (another nickname from Pavel) Sasha is sleeping like a champ 7-8 hour stretches at night. He puts himself to bed around 7 or 8 though, so by the time I go to bed, I may get 3 or 4.. but hey, I'll take it!
He's smiling a lot and cooing.. he's just so adorable!!!
These are the 'Oh no, here comes big brother!!!' eyes

Pav's first day of school - it went great. He loves it so far. Loves to roll his mat and sing his Hello song. I'm so glad Finn is in his class with him, I think that has made him much more comfortable. He feels very empowered not wearing diapers anymore. I nearly put a pullup on him for his first 3 hour class but at the last minute decided to trust him and his ability. He was great. No accidents! (and no liquid in the two hours before class lol)

Okay.. so that wasted 45 minutes.. now what? Clean the house or something? Nah..


Friday, September 7, 2012


I walk along holding your 2 year old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you? Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.I hear you telling me in your own way,“Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine,“I can’t”, knowing in fact, that I never can again.You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the 2 of us is fading fast.But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we 2. There are new times–only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how he adores you–as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you–only differently.And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you–you each have your own supply.I love you–both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. 

-Author Unkown

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Welcome to the Real World, Son

When Pavel was just 2 months old, my mom convinced me I should join Sheldon at the Olympics in Vancouver for just one night. One night away from my little precious baby. I changed my mind 10 times and then just booked it. Since I literally decided about 12 hours before I left, I tried my hardest to pump a few bottles for my (at that time) exclusively breastfed baby.. to no luck.
He'd have to have some formula for the 24 hours I was gone.

First Family Photo

First Christmas
This broke my heart. I remember sitting on my bed, trying out some formula on him, just in case he wouldn't take it.. but he did. At that moment, I wasn't all he needed anymore. He could survive without his mommy.. Until then, I was his food source, his life line. This was his first major step toward independence. I cried.

Olympic Break

Tomorrow my Pavel starts preschool. His first day of school. He hasn't stopped talking about it for weeks. He will be going to the same class as his little buddy Finn. Pavel has it in his mind that school consists of learning how to skate, play tennis and basketball. I swear we didn't tell him this.. and I don't have the heart to break it to him - I know he'll forget all about his plan when he realizes he'll get to learn to cook, do yoga, read, play with items found around the house.. and do it all by himself, without mommy or daddy's help. 
First Plane Ride

First Taste of Real 'Food'

I bought him a pirate lunch box and a robot water bottle yesterday for the special occasion. A thought flew through my head - I wonder if the kids will make fun of him for having a robot water bottle?
My heart sunk, and stomach lurched - oh no, the kids might make fun of him. Oh how kids can be so mean.

Welcome to the real world, my sweet sweet son.

Back up to last weekend. I knew deep down that Pavel would have to be potty trained for school, but because he was so adamantly against it and the new baby was coming late July.. I put it off. Every thing you read says, wait till he's ready.. don't try when there's a big change coming into his life.
Well, we were down to the wire now. Pavel's teacher insisted on him being potty trained and I knew him and I needed to have a real heart to heart.

First 'Standing' Moment

First Haircut

Pavel came home from his friend's house Saturday night and I sat him on my lap in his room.

'Pavel, I talked to your teacher today, she said that it's very important that you learn how to pee on the potty before school starts next week. No diapers allowed.'
Pavel was quiet and still and not distracted like he normally is. He was listening, digesting and then he gave me an honest response:
'But mommy, I don't know how to make my pees come out.'
My heart swelled.
'Don't worry my love, we'll practice and mommy will teach you.'

The next morning I had Pavel help me throw all his diapers in the garbage, he put on big boy undies without a fight and we started the process.
To my complete surprise, after 3 pee accidents on the floor and us running to the bathroom to try and make it on the potty - he got it.
All day long, he had to pee, he'd run to the bathroom and go. It felt too good to be true.
Since then (9 days now), we've had 2 pee accidents and none in the last 5 days. He doesn't wear diapers at night or at naps.. they're gone out of the house.**

I can't believe how proud I am of this little boy. He wanted something (school) and put his mind to a challenge that he'd either been afraid of, or holding against us as a power trip.. and did it.
No more diapers in this house.

Just. Like. That.

First Wedding
Pavel's best friend Gaby asked me last week..

'Auntie, how old is Pavel?'

I said, 'he's two Gabs..'

'Two! Two's just a baby'

That's what I thought too...

First Halloween

Pav, tomorrow is your first day of school! When I gave you your lunch box yesterday you ran around the house fist pumping yelling 'Oh ya, oh ya.. ya ya oh ya..' for a good five minutes. Daddy and I had tears in our eyes.
We've got your clothes all labeled, your indoor shoes ready to rock (Of course they are some limited edition pair of Jordan's daddy picked out for you a month ago..). Daddy took the afternoon off work to come and drop you off with me.
You are so confident and friendly, you'll make friends just fine. I hope that you'll be nice, that you'll listen and share.. that you'll help the shy boys and girls and stand up for yourself and what's right. There will be good days and bad and mommy will be at that door every day to pick you up, literally and figuratively.

I know it's only preschool.. but tomorrow my role changes yet again. He's only a few months shy of being 3 and he'll still needs his mommy - but in new ways. A new challenge for us both. I can accept this - I guess have to, in his mind, he's already there.

Love you to bits Pavel James. Can't wait to see the smile on your face in your 'First Day of School' picture.. stay tuned.


Pavel's School:
We feel so lucky that Pavel got a spot here. It's the only place we went to see, based on a friend's recommendation. He'll learn to cook, do yoga, learn about art and languages.. and be with some pretty amazing teachers.

** Potty Training
I used the 3 Day Potty Training Guide. Pretty simple concept and not as high maintenance as some of the method's I've read. It was $25 to download off of the internet and was worth every penny.