Sunday, May 12, 2013

Love love love love



Sometimes I just stare at you both. A little longer than normal. I watch you eating, playing, making each other laugh.

I really do feel so lucky.

I wonder what it must be like being a 3 year old again. The taste of lunch made by "my mom", playing with school friends.

My little monkeys.

The weather is FINALLY nice, and we are able to enjoy the outside. We have been spending a lot of time in Pavel's "New Ride" (new stroller), trying to get some fresh air and play with some kids at the park.

Sasha still is a pain when it comes to eating. He is eating solids pretty consistently though, so that's great. I think I may be making a breakthrough when it comes to him drinking some formula!!! (I totally just jinxed myself, it's been literally not even a day and I think maybe it's working)
His sleep is crap. Waking up so often. So, I'm starting from scratch with sleep training... starting with working on the naps, at home in bed again. It's hard, but I was so adamant with Pavel about this when he was young - he's been a great sleeper.

Crying it out does not work on Sasha. Not at all. Work on the food, work on the naps..

Sasha is a babbling man. I swear he says Mama and Dada to us and he even said Nana right to Nana the other night (I'm pretty sure that was a fluke!)
He's a little wobbly on the legs, but all he wants to do is walk with mommy..

Oh Sasha.. you strong willed, adamantly determined child! You run my show, that's for sure!

And then there's Pavel. Hilarious things come out of this kid's mouth:

"Mommy, am I going to have big boobies like you one day?"

"Mom, I want you to marry me. I do mom, I do!"

"You're the best mom ever mom. I love you. You're so pretty" (Usually followed up with some sort of request for a treat!)

We've taken Pavel to the driving range a few times.. kid loves his golf. He hits the balls over the fence in the backyard so Sheldon has banned him from playing back there which has devastated him. I think we're going to get him a net so he can keep playing. I'm sure he's better than me!

We have a Mother's Day tea at school tomorrow. Very special.. lol I can't wait.

Pavel started Ball Hockey two weeks ago. Hilarious. I'm very proud of him as he just jumped on the field (is that what you call it???) with the team and went for it. He's usually so nervous with new things. He isn't too interested in actually touching the ball yet. He mostly runs with the pack and does this hilarious slow jog. There is a lot of waving in the stands. But he's there.. and the last 3 seconds of the last game he even touched the ball and did some stick handling! (If you knew my kid, well, he sleeps with his hockey stick. He's stick handling day and night. He's playing on the driveway, basement.. wherever he can.. so it's funny to see him so the exact opposite when he plays!)

Before hockey started Pavel would say:

"Ah mom, I'm sorry.. I'm actually not feeling very good. I don't think I can play ball hockey"  - this was 2 months before it even started.
And then:

"Mom, I've got some bad news.. I lost my stick. The one you and daddy got me. I'm sorry, I guess I can't play ball hockey."

So, I sat down and asked him what was going on.. he was worried about being checked into the boards or someone fighting him! Well, that's what we get for letting him watch NHL. Poor kid. I found some youtube videos of kids playing and let him watch those.. after that, he was excited!

I'm in child care hell right now. I need about 2.5 times more than what I have right now. It is SO hard to find reliable child care.. and help that won't quit on you! I've actually employed an agency to help me find a nanny. They give a one year guarantee. It's not cheap, but I'm desperate at this point for more help. The girl I have come over now is amazing. If only she could come everyday! (only 11 hours a week :( )
The whole point of me having my own business is so that I can have flexible days and nights. I can come home and pick Pavel up from school.. be home by 3pm. Run in and out of the house when I need to.. have lunch with them. This is my ideal.. we can afford it - it's just trying to make it happen!!

Hopefully soon.. oh the joys!

J








Sunday, May 5, 2013

The Truth



I'm struggling. But I'm trying. I'm trying really hard.

Or maybe I'm not. I'm at the point now where I just tune out crying. I tune out a 3 year old whining for something I said he can't have 15 times already. I'm just SO annoyed.

I don't have the patience to explain it again. To ask you to wait another few minutes.

I don't know why you're crying. Why you won't eat. Why you nurse for 30 seconds and then stop. Why you won't drink forumla.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to fix the problem.

Leaving the house is my saving grace. Just a few hours a day.

It's been a long time since I've had a good night's sleep. It's been a long time since I've had more than three or four hours in a row. Since July in fact.

It's been a long time since my hormones have been back to normal. Almost two years since my last period. Come on period. Come back. (as if I ever thought I'd be asking for that..)

My little one doesn't sleep at night. I can't help but think that he's hungry since he doesn't eat much all day.. so I let him wake as many times as he needs.. not that sleep training would work on him. Or maybe it would. I'm confused.

Please don't tell me I'm embarrassing.  Please don't tell me I could do something about it. Please also don't tell me that I have nothing to be upset about.. and that a lot of people have a life worse off than me.

I'm not complaining about my life. I am blessed in so many ways. I know that. I mean that.

Can we not separate "feeling sorry for ourselves" and "feeling lost, tired, irritable, and exhausted"?

I haven't had a day to myself since July. I don't get to sleep in hotel rooms or go to other cities for a "break" for work.

I need a break. I need child care. I need to find an electrician to fix the lights. The plumber came last week. I need to get groceries. Why is Sasha crying? Why won't he eat.

I'm tired.

I'm sorry for throwing a bottle at daddy's head. I'd probably do it again.