Sunday, May 5, 2013

The Truth



I'm struggling. But I'm trying. I'm trying really hard.

Or maybe I'm not. I'm at the point now where I just tune out crying. I tune out a 3 year old whining for something I said he can't have 15 times already. I'm just SO annoyed.

I don't have the patience to explain it again. To ask you to wait another few minutes.

I don't know why you're crying. Why you won't eat. Why you nurse for 30 seconds and then stop. Why you won't drink forumla.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to fix the problem.

Leaving the house is my saving grace. Just a few hours a day.

It's been a long time since I've had a good night's sleep. It's been a long time since I've had more than three or four hours in a row. Since July in fact.

It's been a long time since my hormones have been back to normal. Almost two years since my last period. Come on period. Come back. (as if I ever thought I'd be asking for that..)

My little one doesn't sleep at night. I can't help but think that he's hungry since he doesn't eat much all day.. so I let him wake as many times as he needs.. not that sleep training would work on him. Or maybe it would. I'm confused.

Please don't tell me I'm embarrassing.  Please don't tell me I could do something about it. Please also don't tell me that I have nothing to be upset about.. and that a lot of people have a life worse off than me.

I'm not complaining about my life. I am blessed in so many ways. I know that. I mean that.

Can we not separate "feeling sorry for ourselves" and "feeling lost, tired, irritable, and exhausted"?

I haven't had a day to myself since July. I don't get to sleep in hotel rooms or go to other cities for a "break" for work.

I need a break. I need child care. I need to find an electrician to fix the lights. The plumber came last week. I need to get groceries. Why is Sasha crying? Why won't he eat.

I'm tired.

I'm sorry for throwing a bottle at daddy's head. I'd probably do it again.





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